Bear Grylls Gets Lost in Macy’s – Nearly Dies Of Dehydration

June 25, 2013

Bear Grylls, internationally renowned survivalist, known for being dropped into the middle of no where and finding water inside anal cavities, has nearly died after a shopping trip to Macy’s. Store manager Mary Mary Contrary had this to say, “We saw him come in on a Friday but then he just got lost and disoriented. He refused help while he looked for food and water. He had no idea how to work a water fountain or what a food court was.”

Bear Grylls spokesman, Wolf Blitzer had this to say, “Happening nooooow, Bear is doing well. He’s an extreme survivalist in nature but just doesn’t handle societal infrastructure very well.”

Fellow survivalist Les Stroud, famous for taking a camera and filming himself use the bathroom, had this to say, “I would never go into a Macy’s. The wild life is unpredictable. Their young are just as dangerous and have been known to destroy the environment there. There are no sources of food or water that I have been able to find.  And there are a constant stream of people asking if you want to try on a suit or a pair of underwear. What kind of place is that? I can’t believe Bear survived that long.

Eye witnesses believed Bear was attempting to purchase socks when he got turned around in the suit section. “Once he got into those cheap brand suits, he just couldn’t get out.”

Medical spokesman Dr. Dent had this to say, “Mr. Grylls was seen by doctors and immediately airlifted to the middle of a nearby forest. He’ll do better there.” We hope so and wish Bear all the best in his speedy recovery!

June 2013
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