Florida Man Shoots Self in Self-Defense – I Was Looking Very Threatening

June 24, 2013

A florida man has shot himself in the leg and shoulder after appearing to be too threatening to himself late last night. Mike Micky D Williams, of Middleofnowhere, Florida was detained and released this morning after officers concluded his shots were not to harm himself, he was in fact attempting to defend himself, from himself.

“I was real drunk. And I walked up to take a leak, ya know. I just looked at myself and thought, man, he’s an ugly mean son of a bitch. Well, I don’t much care for being called ugly and mean so I told that stupid mother to F*#& OFF!  Well, I don’t much care for being told to F&*$ off so I told that SOB he better back off. Then you know what I did? I pee’d over my leg! Well, hell, you pee on a man’s leg you better be ready to rumble! And I looked at myself in the eye, ya know, how a man looks at ya, when you know he’s gonna throw down. Well, what the hell, I had to draw down! I shot myself in the arm but I was still comin! So I shot again in the leg and boy I went right down!”

Psychologist Mark P. ‘dee dee’ James had this to say, “Well, it’s clear that we both arm lunatics and let them shoot each other freely in Florida. At least Mr. Williams is alive and well. Perhaps he’ll reconcile with himself?”

Gun rights advocate John LaPoopoo had this to say, “This is a prime example of how guns help. Mr Williams felt threatened and used his gun to defend himself. I see nothing wrong.”

We at the Tomato hope Mr. Williams has a speedy recovery and remind him tasers do the job with no medical bills!

June 2013
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