New News Now

How They Add Up: The NSA, Jimmy Hoffa, a Soviet Sleeper-Cell, Captain Kangaroo and Dancing Bear

November 1, 2013

The FBI announced this morning that another search for the remains of former Teamsters leader Jimmy Hoffa has revealed no evidence of a body. However, late into the afternoon the buzz of activity at a cordoned-off section of a rural field northwest of Detroit seemed to indicate that authorities were not yet closing down the excavation site. “I […]

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Tokyo Man Arrested For Throwing Lizards Into Fukushima Water

September 5, 2013

In a strange twist of 1950’s movie making memorabilia, a Tokyo man was arrested this week for throwing lizards into the Fukushima Nuclear Power Plant’s contaminated water. Offices on the scene stated the man, who was unnamed, was attempting to create a Godzilla like creature so it could then breath fire on the damaged plant […]

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Florida Makes Stand Your Ground Mandatory – Not Shooting Now Criminal

July 14, 2013

In a stunning move of government oversight, Florida has just modified the Stand Your Ground law to be mandatory. What does this mean? Now, if you get threatened in any way you are legal obligated to shoot that person. Governor Rick Scott had this to say, “This is good for Florida. Now, if a citizen […]

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Zimmerman Found Not Guility – Shoots Prosecutor Leaving Court House

July 13, 2013

The Jury in the George Zimmerman trail have returned a verdict of Not Guilty. Mr. Zimmerman immediately ran out of the course house to a parked car, ran back inside and confronted the state prosecutor about how he has put his life through hell. “How dare you do this to me and take away my god given […]

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New Reporter, Jenny Jean Jones-Shlamazel, Joins the Tomato!

July 4, 2013

We are thrilled to announce a new reporter for the Tomato Weekly. Jenny Jean Jones-Shlamazel joins us from parts unknown as our new political and international corespondent bringing you breaking news from half away around the world and as far out as Ur-anus. She has spent months in Chinese brothels, weeks in Japanese steam baths and […]

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Bear Grylls Gets Lost in Macy’s – Nearly Dies Of Dehydration

June 25, 2013

Bear Grylls, internationally renowned survivalist, known for being dropped into the middle of no where and finding water inside anal cavities, has nearly died after a shopping trip to Macy’s. Store manager Mary Mary Contrary had this to say, “We saw him come in on a Friday but then he just got lost and disoriented. He refused help […]

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Fox News On Recent Supreme Court Ruling: Poor People Shouldn’t Vote Anyway

June 25, 2013

In a stunning statement, hosts on the Fox News morning show, Huey, Duey and Looney, today stated that Supreme Court ruling on the 1965 Voting Rights act was ok as poor people shouldn’t vote anyway. “Why are they voting? They are poor! Only rich people should vote, we pay the taxes, we have the say,” […]

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Florida Man Shoots Self in Self-Defense – I Was Looking Very Threatening

June 24, 2013

A florida man has shot himself in the leg and shoulder after appearing to be too threatening to himself late last night. Mike Micky D Williams, of Middleofnowhere, Florida was detained and released this morning after officers concluded his shots were not to harm himself, he was in fact attempting to defend himself, from himself. […]

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Edward Snowden – From China to Russia: Traveling on the Freedom Trail

June 23, 2013

Edward Snowden has traveled from the tolerant and free press mecca of China to the country where freedom is synonymous with Siberia. The one time NSA contractor and soon to be guest at Leavenworth, getting the nations best 4 star treatment, has landed in Moscow today where hopes to not at all make it seem like he’s […]

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Dating Website Ashley Madison to Offer Human – Cat Cheating Site Catnups

June 22, 2013

Dating website Ashly Madison has announced they intend to help a large underserved group in society. “For years we have helped cheating spouses find that special disease free someone. Now, we look to help another underserved group in society. For far too long, cat lovers, who have had a long crush on a neighborhood kitty, have had no […]

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